HOW TO HELP YOUR TEENS ENJOY THEIR POST EXAM SUMMER FREEDOM
They’ve done the hard part but what happens next and how can you best be there for them? I asked an expert for some parenting tips.
Well done everyone we made it through! The testing part has finished, and hopefully the fun part has begun. Summer is here and with it comes a whole host of emotions and experiences for us all as families. But how do we support our youngsters through this unique rite of passage as they get a little more independent and start to feel their way towards adulthood? That post-exam anti-climax may kick in or you may find your teens running recklessly for the hills. It’s both nail-biting and joyous as a parent!
And obviously it is different for every child and for every mum, dad or caregiver but we’re all about to head into a new phase of our children’s lives (especially those who have done A Levels and are on the brink of leaving home). A lot more listening and letting go will need to happen soon, which may be challenging.
Last week I asked you what would be helpful to know about this unique summer ahead of us and then I put your questions and concerns to Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari, who is the author of Small Steps To Great Parenting: the essential guide for busy families.
I am a big fan of Dr Ben-Ari’s work because her advice is practical and wise and born out of her work over the past 15 years as a family and couples’ therapist. Maintaining strong connections is her area of expertise and that’s what’s needed right now during this post-exam summer.
She is also good at considering how hard change may be for us all and takes a modern approach to parenting teenagers. She’s a parent herself and talks to adolescents regularly through her work. I like her kind, gentle and empathetic approach.
I’ve broken your questions down into subjects and included guidance from Dr Ben-Ari and my own advice based on the experts I talked to for my book: ‘Mum What’s Wrong With You: 101 Things Only The Parents of Teenage Girls know’. BUY BOOK HERE
BOUNDARIES AND CONTROL
Firstly we can’t control anything in life. You know that right? This summer when your teens disappear off into a world of parties, festivals, holidays, new jobs or new relationships may feel as if everything is spinning out of your control. I’ve been there but ultimately the best thing you can do to help that feeling is prepare for it with conversations that start before the exam period comes to an end. Talk to your teens about what they want to do, ask them rather than telling them. Listen well to their response. Ask them what they expect to happen, prompt them to think it through. The teenage brain is undergoing a significant remodelling as they mature so it isn’t always firing on all cylinders, keep that in mind if you are looking for adult logic in these conversations, they may not be quite there yet. But they may make connections overnight and start to quietly think it through themselves after you’ve talked. Also these are their plans, not ones you fix or sort for them. Step away from the logistics unless an emergency is looming, they do need to fail sometimes.
Also make sure you communicate that you ‘do’ trust them, this helps them trust themselves and makes them feel safer as they explore their new independence. Communicate your trust, use that word positively.
And communicate your dilemmas if you have specific worries, tell them this comes not from a place of controlling them but from a place of you worrying about them as a parent.
In most cases your teen will want to work with you on their plans even if they seem reluctant. Encourage them to be actively involved in sorting out things that may go wrong ahead of time and talk it through gently. Side by side is usually best, teens are not keen on face to face conversations and any kind of Mafia style sit down will be viewed poorly!
You should also try to set boundaries around return times and how they tell you where they are but you need to establish consequences in advance if these boundaries are broken and I find many parents find it tricky to implement consequences so set realistic ones around phone removal or groundings. Boundaries are needed because they make teens feel safe even if they also make them grumpy, a teenager without boundaries is one who isn’t sure you are there for them.
FESTIVALS AND PARTIES
I always google the particular event by popping in the festival name alongside the word ‘incident’ so I am prepared in advance for things going wrong! Or I can at least find out what has been planned post the ‘incident’. And I try to rearrange my W.A.T face (worried all the time) into a happier look at crucial moments when it comes to discussing parties and festivals. They need to see you trust them to get through it all safely or it may give them the confidence wobbles. Stay low key and calm. But if it is booze and drugs you are worried about you realistically can’t control your teens exposure to these. You can gently highlight the fact that drugs are illegal and if you want to talk about the dangers be specific and knowledgeable or they will instantly dismiss you. It’s probably better to say you are worried rather than issue blanket statements. And also remember you really don’t know what your teenager is up to, they are allowed their privacy now and you cannot impact that, all you can do is communicate your fears and ask them to think their decisions through but know they will make mistakes, mistakes they won’t tell you about if you closed down the communication with judgement and threats. I have been told by addiction counsellors that we should remember that teens do have a powerful conscience, though it may not look like it. It usually kicks in 24 hours after they’ve done something they regret so if you want to tackle problems then wait a day before wading in. You cannot protect your teens from everything, a leap of faith has to happen at this stage which is why keeping the lines of communication open is of paramount importance.
Remind the teens at festivals that it is important they stick together, they perhaps have a buddy system and that you tell them they can call you whatever happens and you will be there without judgement for their actions. In the same way you talked to them about not taking sweets from strangers when they were little you can have a similar chats about festivals, ignore the eye rolling.
I always ask that they get the phone numbers of the other parents just in case they can’t get to me and that the group share these for emergency contacts. You can even ask them to have a safe word they use when they call you and want to be collected, one perhaps that means they don’t have to explain it to their friends if they want to leave.
DOWNTIME
Many teens after exams will tell you they want permission to do nothing, to stay home retreat to their rooms and spend the day on their phones or watching stuff on TV. And that’s fine but in my experience it needs a time limit which they agree on with you. Retreating to rooms isn’t always beneficial for mental health but it is good to normalize that feeling of anti-climax if they have worked hard for their exams. Discuss it with them. In fact it is good to normalize all the feelings they are having around this time.
You could say, for example, “it makes sense you are struggling. It was a very stressful and intense time, and then suddenly nothing. It is a big transition, so give yourself time and trust yourself that you will figure this out”.
Also ask them if endless scrolling on their phones is giving them the relaxation they seek because it often isn’t in real terms. Ask them to ask themselves if they feel better, more relaxed after hours on TikTok or just as tired as before and encourage them to think of things they may do when the downtime ends as it must. Fire up their passions, this may be hard work but perhaps book things to do with them that will get them out, not a relentless series of activities but if they love film book a night out with them, our eldest loves animals and we took her to the zoo even though she was 18. She was reluctant to go but loved it when we got there, we also got her a second hand sewing machine and left it out on the kitchen table for her to fix because I knew she loved building things and was off to do a course at Uni in mechanical engineering. These little connections are powerful and don’t go unnoticed, you know your kids best.
And believe it or not teenagers like to feel needed, easy to do chores won’t be welcome but will be good for them neurologically, hand them some responsibility around siblings or pets or domestic duties too. We started to get ours to cook a meal for us last summer. Chaos and a lot of moaning but ultimately useful and good for the sense of self-worth.
CHILDHOOD CONNECTIONS
A certain amount of relaxation occurs in the general rules of family life when exams are on, no one wants to be demanding much of their teens as they navigate all that pressure but when exams are over a return to normal service should resume, but make sure you communicate this in advance and that your teens know what you’re specifically talking about.
But we also reintroduced the small family rituals that are perhaps lost in the weeks of exams and learning, the leaving school and the nights off with mates.
I asked that my eldest two (of four) had at least one family meal with us and that attendance was non-negotiable. It reminded them of family life, it gave them security to lean on. The ritual can be anything – we also left a pack of cards out on the table and I noticed it often meant the older children initiated card games with the two younger ones, something we used to do when family holidays consisted of all of us. These are the anchors of family, small but extremely powerful things post exams.
THE RESULTS
Hopefully you will have been able to reassure your children earlier in life that your love for them is not dependent on achievement, that you value them as they are. But even so results time is hard for everyone. Try not to catastrophise about it, keep the discussion around it low key because you can’t change the results now - the best thing you can do is discuss what your children have learnt from the whole process of learning and testing.
Some may have put in their best efforts, some may not but what have they learnt about themselves during this period? That’s worth discussing gently. Reinforce that the results do not reflect their ability or intelligence – how can they, it is one day out of all their lives. Exams don’t reflect who they are or who they will be either. It’s ok for them to be devastated, you can’t fix that feeling if they are, you can only listen to them and sympathise with them when they talk about it. Active listening – where you don’t interrupt or try to solve the problem is a useful parenting tool. You can practise ‘pot plant parenting’ at this time to where you are simply available in the room in case they need to tell you what they feel. As you discuss exam results perhaps shift the focus off grades and on to what they have learnt from it and what they plan to do, let them talk it out. They can learn to cope with all the feelings good and bad and you can be beside them while they do that.
I hope that has been helpful, this summer ahead is always a little bit different for those of us with older teens but it also a chance to watch them grow, to become more independent. It really is a joyous thing to witness and I wish you all much luck as this happens over the next two months.
And if you feel you need professional help with more extreme situations talk to your GP or speak to the school about who you can speak too. If you feel therapy may help then Welldoing.org is a good resource and the charity Young Minds runs a parenting help line.
If you want to know more about Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari’s work visit Dr Ben-Ari
or on Instagram Instgram here She can also be found here
I hosted a GDST talk on this subject last year: watch here.
I have interviewed Dr Ben-Ari, Dr Tara Porter and Dr Lisa Damour on my Instagram where there are many Instagram Lives on this subject. Watch Instagram Lives here