Parent List 8: simple things we did to make family life with older kids easier
Plus 2 Instagram parenting experts to follow, the sleep book that blew my mind & may help your teens.
Confused by all the parenting noise out there right now? Me too. All the headlines around the proposed social media ban for U16s are overwhelming, the debate provokes a feeling of powerlessness and I think it often paints our teens in a negative light, making them seem helpless and foolish: which is just not the case.
The news cycle is terrifying: which is unfair and often misleading, as if all our offspring are trapped in a dire world of horrible content and mindless scrolling, which again, is not true.
Yesterday I got cross with my 14 year old for being on her phone for too long, I made a flippant joke about the moronic nature of TikTok and it really upset her, which was unforgivable of me because she wasn’t on TikTok. She was making a mood board on Pinterest for a friend’s little sister who wanted to get some fairy lights for her birthday. Out of nowhere I stopped her doing something kind which she was enjoying because I’m finding it hard not to catastrophize because of this news hysteria, much of which is factually inaccurate (but more of that in another newsletter ).
So today I thought I would dip into my ‘it’s not rocket science’ files and reflect on the simple things we’ve done as a family of six at home to keep our connection, easy stuff which I learnt from experts, other parents and my work with teens in school. They may be helpful for you:
Eat together at least once a week. No phones at the table. Every single adolescent mental health expert I have spoken to has told me that if they had to offer one tip it is this: family dinner. At home we also include Friday night takeaway and get them for our kids in further education living away from home: if you do it early evening they can join in via Facetime before they head out. Even if it is only for a minute or too, you can still eat with them while they are away or ask to. Just asking says ‘we miss you, we’re all here thinking of you.’ May be get your adult kids living at home to cook with or for you occasionally too.
Games as a ritual. Leave the playing cards and a pack of Uno out at all times. Or may be a chess board or Bananagrams if you like that. No child, teen, young person can resist games, especially if it has been part of childhood rituals.
Say sorry, well done and I love you daily. The power of an adult apology is unrivalled in securing teen trust, connection and respect. We often forget to say I Love You as they get older, try not to. And celebrating our adult children or older teens is also something we do less of, seek out ways to compliment them daily (don’t gush though, they can spot that a mile off).
Organised our home around the kitchen hub. It’s not big and with our four kids, their friends and the dog it is often a crowded mess, the table hidden under piles of stuff which I grit my teeth about. But I have insisted almost everything happens in the kitchen, you can pick any room though to purposefully use as an ‘accidental’ meeting point. Our kitchen is where they collect or drop their laundry, bring their school books/laptop, do their scrolling. I make sure I watch out for them separating into their rooms too often (though of course this is part of teen life and adult children at home need space too) but I keep snacks out for people to grab which makes them stop and chat, I leave mugs with tea bags in out all day so people stop for a cuppa. Find a room and purposely make it a crossing point, a converging point, do whatever you can to get people to stop for a few moments.
Persistent and consistent active listening (put your phone out of sight): I rarely ask ‘what did you do today” instead I ask “how are you feeling today”, and then I listen without interruption. I don’t comment, judge, shame, offer my own opinion or fix any problems described. I listen as if I have to remember 3 things they said and repeat them back, this focusses any conversation and they know you are interested in them, respect what they tell you and will be there if needed. I put my phone in a drawer if everyone is in the kitchen so I am available. I ask this question casually, not in a way that feels like interrogation, and I ask it as I do something else so it feels like a side by side not face to face conversation.
For more in depth advice on day to day issues watch experts tackle: messy bedrooms, teen friendship struggles, rudeness from adult children, setting boundaries and nutrition for young people here
These 2 experts will change your parenting mindset
Dr. Willough Jenkins is an award winning Canadian and American board certified psychiatrist specializing in child psychiatry. Her Instgram is filled with tips & general ideas alongside specialist advice for those with teens and young adults. I really enjoyed her slides on how to talk to teens about screens, gaming and smart phones. Follow her here
Dr Carolyne Keenan is a psychologist with 20 years experience in human behaviour. I enjoy what she does on Instagram too: follow her here
Do pop any recommendations of people to follow below for other parents
I have just interviewed Stephanie, who is a sleep physiologist for our podcast Postcards From Midlife. She has worked with astronauts at NASA, Havard Medical school and in the NHS and this no nonsense book has changed the way I think about sleep. The moral of the story here is we all over think our need for sleep and we do not need to worry so much about a bad night or two. In fact she says we’re all a bit ‘weird’ about sleep today.
She explained why a morning routine is more important than and evening, what to do about 3am wake-ups, how to reset your sleep drive without all the fuss of supplements, trackers and blue screens. She isn’t wild about magnesium as a sleep aid and she reckons we’re too tough on our teens when it comes to making them get up earlier. Here she is on Instagram Stephanie Romiszewski. I cannot recommend this book enough because if there is one thing you need if you live with teens and adult children is a good night’s sleep!
COMING SOON! Are your teens and adult child disengaged and unmotivated? Next week’s Expert Explainer with educational analyst and author of ‘The Disengaged Teen” has some tips on video for you. These Expert explainers are for paid subscribers so sign up now to get this.
NB The advice above is not for SEN or more complex needs