Parents: are you exam results day ready?

Welcome to the art of 'feeling with not dealing with'. Some tips on finally letting them go

Aug 17, 2022

I’ve been through it once before and tomorrow we go through it once again (and we’ve got two more children left to face it!) so I thought I’d jot down a few thoughts to help you through A Level results day emotionally if you’re feeling wobbly.

And also to help prepare any mums, dads, step-mums, step-dads and care givers for the A Level results day journey next year.

Firstly, remember what happens today is not the be all and end all for your teens, it’s a piece of paper which opens one door. If they don’t get what they aimed for then another door will open. What I have learnt from experts I have interviewed and from going through it, is that life-long plans cannot be cemented on A Level results day, emotions run too high for that and logical thinking is for later on.

As a parenting columnist I often meet people whose own hopes and dreams are so tightly wrapped around their children I can almost see the suffocating pressure bouncing off their adolescents. This is an unhappy place for everyone to be so try to avoid that, really step back and think about the ways in which you may be doing this, the language you may use which implies you want or need them to achieve things to make you happy.

Your teens are not a collection of exam certificates, they are bigger than that and anything you can do in advance of results day to relieve them of the giant stress to get those grades would be super-parenting. Be vocal and communicate that you are proud and love them no matter what (obviously!)

So, after 8am Thursday keep your own anxiety in check and practise your calm face. In this moment you should be ‘feeling with not dealing with’. How you respond to their joy or disappointment is key. This the day to ‘meet them where they are’ as psychotherapists often say.

Going into ‘fix-it’ mode is unhelpful. They should take ownership of the results and tell you what they want to do next if things have not gone to plan BUT in those first few moments you must show you understand and care about how they feel rather than immediately slipping into the dealing with aspect of the results day.

Don’t deny them their feelings of disappointment or sadness, sit with them inside it. Don’t immediately respond with “we can fix this’ or any proactive, problem solving thoughts. Neurologically they aren’t equipped to deal with logic in the tsunami of emotions they are going through, to offer solutions there and then is too much pressure for them, so just show empathy and sympathy. Their brains are plastic and don’t really work in an adult way until their early twenties, bear that in mind.

Once they are calmer you can ask them how they want to proceed and gradually offer ideas of your own but be mindful to accept their moods as they change. And don’t go down the route of blaming the school, the system: experts tell me that to do this will trap your teen in their saddest moments. You want to move them on to a calmer, less stressful place where they can ‘own’ what they do next, if you focus on it being an external problem over which you have little control then everyone feels helpless. This is not good.

Don’t refer to older siblings’ experiences and certainly don’t bring up your own school days, this is unhelpful and they really won’t want to hear it (Dads are particularly keen on talking about their own A Level experience I have found and it isn’t useful at this point!).

Also prepare relatives in advance of the day to stay off the phone until you call them as no one needs that stress.

As the day progresses you can help them to regulate their moods by taking the opposite approach, when they go loud you go quiet, when they are furious you are calm, you are role modelling the moods that would help them most and encouraging them to regulate their own emotions. This will require Jedi like patience and a lot of cups of tea we have found!

Some teens will want to be left alone in that moment if their news is disappointing and you should let them do that too. A little space can help them regulate their thinking.

You can also ask the day before if there is another adult they are close to that they’d like to have around or talk to on the day if they find it too stressful being with mum or dad, often teens will benefit from chatting to other people they are less worried about disappointing on days like this. My teen is very close to her godmother, so she is on standby for us.

Also remember there are more than 200 trained Ucas staff ready to support students practically so you can focus on supporting them emotionally and physically. We often leave snacks out for our teens on stressful days as they forget to eat well and sometimes they like the comfort of nibbles they had as kids. And in our house there has been much chat about the Results Day Dash for free chicken at Nandos for A level students with their Ucas ID!

I think teens feel best about themselves when they are in control of a situation and tend to wait until they ask for my input, gently nudging though if inertia steps in. It may also be helpful, after the initial emotions of a disappointing result, to point out that grades, degrees and academic achievement aren’t the only ingredients of a successful happy life (I mean I left a rural comprehensive at 16 with no qualifications and still did the job I really wanted to do with a degree of success and joy). Reassure them that whatever happens they do have choices and chances to discuss and that you will be there with them whatever they do.

And remember the day they leave home will be such a melancholy moment, it is like no other parenting moment so far therefore every moment you spend with them now is really important, the clock is ticking. You’ll want to look back on this time with positivity and joy so dig deep, stay patient, and radiate parental love. Good luck everyone. Let me know how it goes.

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