Quick tips to avoid family fracas at Christmas

Maybe you need them, maybe you don't: some advice from the wise on small changes to make if a family Christmas looms with a tiny hint of dread.

Is it Christmas already?

My parents don’t really celebrate Christmas. After my younger sister and I left home in Cornwall, they took against the commercialisation of the holiday season and decided to keep it low key. So no to presents, no to a real tree (just a small plastic one by the window) but yes to cards and a festive feast, which they usually like to eat alone!

My husband’s clan, on the other hand, are Christmas crazies. They’d get the tree in August and have a constant flow of presents from dusk to dawn if it was socially acceptable and affordable. As a result, the six of us sit somewhere in the middle of these two approaches as a family.

I say No to a tree before December but I’m all in after midnight on November 30th . I love the tradition of it all and it’s the rituals rather than the presents that matter for me, we get all our stocking presents in charity shops (which makes for some original buys) and we try to buy pre-loved for the stuff under the tree when we can, which is easier than you’d think with a bit of planning.

Our Christmas is also ‘friendsmas” as many of our friends aren’t originally from the UK or have complicated family issues to conquer during the festive season so we hoover them up and have a host of guests on the day for dinner, many at the last minute.

This year we’ll be welcoming our two older children back from University, it’s a reunion that I’m obviously too excited about (no pressure kids).  I am already stocking up on their favourite foods and hoping they won’t go out to see their mates!

I realise we are lucky to have each other, and that our family unit is, so far, un-fractured. I know it is not the same for everyone and the pressure for these to be the best of times can be unbearable when your situation is far from traditional.

And of course, it’s not possible to glide through Christmas in a haze of constant good cheer is it? Even if all is well at first because historical evidence points towards the festive season being an exceptionally bad time for one’s mental health. The pressure financially and emotionally may sometimes feel overwhelming.

I wrote about this a few years ago in the Sunday Times and asked for some tips from those wiser than me so I thought I’d pop them here again for you all now in case it is helpful.

A goal without a plan is just a wish...
… and Christmas wishes are for children and fantasists, so make a plan. Anita Cleare coaches mums and dads at her consultancy, the Positive Parenting Project, and she tells me her No1 tip is to visualise very specifically what’s coming at you in detail, especially if you have young children. Leave nothing to chance, anticipate all the outcomes and decide what action to take in each situation.

“It’s not fair, for example, to expect younger children to sit still for two hours at a late lunch, so set some reasonable rules ahead of time,” Cleare says. “Perhaps agree with the children that they can leave the table before dessert.

“If discipline tactics for youngsters differ at family gatherings, and you feel judged or watched, don’t talk to the other parents about it because everyone gets defensive about their parenting choices,” she says. “Instead, talk to your kids in advance. Maybe work out exactly where you’ll go in the house if you have to discipline them so you will be alone. A person with a plan stays calmer than one without.”

Cleare’s best piece of advice goes deeper. For children, Christmas is all about making memories — it’s not just about the new stuff. So what kind of memories do you specifically want to make? Ask the kids what they would like to do as well as what they would like in their stockings. They may write Christmas lists but those should include activities not just presents. It’s bigger-picture festive thinking. Ask yourself, can we challenge tradition and change things? And remember that small changes make lasting memories as effectively as big ones for children and teens.

Cleare gives every Christmas a theme in her home. “Last year we went for a recycled Christmas, and this time it’s preloved,” she says. “So we won’t be buying anything new.”  She cheerily tells me her offspring are on board with it, even the teens. “Children are surprisingly flexible when it comes to breaking traditions, much more so than older relatives.”

Of dogs and naps
Cabin fever will inevitably set in during prolonged family gatherings, often accompanied by that familiar, tingly feeling of a stormy situation brewing (especially if alcohol is involved). It can be overwhelming, especially for teenagers constantly being asked about their exam grades by insensitive rellies. So if there’s a dog, take it out. If there’s a spare bed, have a nap. Make time to be alone.

When families get together, the old dynamics come alive again,” the psychologist and bestselling author Steve Biddulph explains. “Who is the favourite? Who slacks off? Who desperately wants it all to be rosy? We’re grown-up, some of us have even had counselling, for God’s sake, yet we feel like children again! It can be distressing, and as the day goes on people lose the sense of who they are as adults — so have some quiet time. Go for a nap or a walk alone.”

And this Christmas break should be a chance for your teens to sleep, as long as they stay in the same sleep patterns as term time. They are the age group most at risk from burnout, according to the adolescence expert and clinical nurse Emma Selby. She reminds me that teens struggle with the change of sleep routines at this time of year. The advice is to encourage them to keep to the same pattern, eg, waking earlyish on weekdays and later on weekends, so that their immune systems stay strong. But also let them laze about. And don’t make them revise, she urges; keep those cortisol levels down. That’s one less argument to have, isn’t it?

The elephant in the room
Christmas reminds us how fast time passes. The shadows of those who were there last year but aren’t this year may haunt us; we can be confronted by the seismic change of a new family unit after separations, or by the melancholy loneliness of growing up or growing older. We all encounter these situations at the end of the year, and often avoid talking about them. We shouldn’t.

“Leaving painful things unmentioned is unhelpful, especially for children and teens,” says Fiona Pienaar, chief clinical officer of the crisis text helpline Shout.

“Christmas reminds us about change, and these changes should be marked. Sit down with your children and discuss them.

“If someone has passed away, talk about them on Christmas Day. And don’t be afraid to confront tradition. Don’t get trapped doing the same thing because it’s expected. Ask your adolescents every year how they want to approach Christmas, and make changes. Don’t minimise their fears or worries; make them feel heard.”

There is another Christmas elephant in the room: booze. We drink more of it, normal rules are suspended and this is confusing for children and adolescents.

Emma Selby supports many families for whom addiction is a painful issue. “We always ask parents to remember why they are drinking at Christmas,” she says. “It shouldn’t be your purpose to get very drunk with young people around you. Parents should set boundaries for the amount everyone drinks. You are role models, and binge-drinking is scary for your children. It is a mistake to make light of it just because it is Christmas.”

Presence, not presents
Have you heard about the happiness jar? Selby uses it often with troubled families. Ahead of the big day you begin to fill a jar with notes about lovely things that have happened, and you read them out on the day itself.

Selby also recommends creating family playlists as gifts, or baking: you fill a jar with ingredients for a recipe and a note on why it means something to you. In our family, we do chocolate mug cakes.

She also recommends a tech detox for all. The competitive pressure to post pictures of presents doesn’t exist if the phone is removed.

“Christmas is the red carpet of social media, but it’s overwhelming and unbearable for some,” Selby says. Parents are just as bad, roving all over Facebook after banning their kids from it. Get a Polaroid camera and social those snaps after Boxing Day, or buy an old-school disposable camera. Practise the dying art of waiting for something you want!

Biddulph also tells me his family has a “one person, one present rule” for immediate relatives only. “It’s too much otherwise,” he says. “Let’s not junk up everyone’s life.”

Indeed. In the words of my 11-year-old: “Christmas, it’s all just too much.” So slow down, walk or sleep it out, talk to your kids and plan the memories you’re going to make. And if in doubt, get Perudo, our favourite family dice game, or learn the card game Spoons; it’s impossible to play it without having fun — which is how Christmas should be too.