Sunday nights are the most sorrowful

Soon to be empty nesters this is for you

I found ‘Little Star” at the bottom of my youngest’s basket of soft toys as I was tidying up this week. He’s almost 20 years old. The first toy of my first baby. She’s at University now studying mechanical engineering and I miss her with all my heart. Her 3 siblings are still at home but this week No 2 and I went to look at Universities a long, long way away; she leaves in September. Then it will just be me, dad, my 15 year old son, our 10 year old ‘baby” and the crest fallen dog. The last departure hit our Welsh terrier hard. God knows how her furry little mind will cope when No 2 finally packs her bags and heads of up north.

We find Sunday nights are the times we miss our girl the most. As I move about the house gathering up the weekend’s detritus; collecting empty crips packets, tea cups, lone socks and the lids of god knows what I feel an absence, our family patterns (even this long after she left) are fractured. The energy in the house is different. There’s a little more silence than we’re used to.

I describe the day she left and what it felt like when we returned home without her in my book about parenting teens: 'Mum What’s Wrong With You? 101 things only the mothers of teenage girls know’ AMAZON and it is the chapter that mums message me about most.

Baby No 1 all those years ago (10 to be exact)

Less melancholy parents than me may suspect I am being over dramatic when I say the departure of your first child hits you like a freight train, it knocks your right off your feet but I think these mums are in denial. Sure the lid is always on the milk, the trainers don’t trip you up every time you come in the front door, the kettle has water in it when you turn it on and all those ‘borrowed’ bits and bobs finally make their way back to their rightful place but there are few things sadder than setting the table for one less, getting one less mug out at breakfast. Or watching a small dog race into a bedroom first thing only to plod out later with a distinct look of disappointment on its face.

Of course we’re really pleased we kept the first one alive and in tact long enough to go to Uni despite our obvious amateur status on the parenting front but gratefulness aside it really is the hardest of parenting times when they go. Life may feel easier but it is sadder. I was shell shocked for months. And I am bracing my self right now for the loss of No 2 later this year.

If you’re gearing up to say goodbye to your teen later this year then brace yourself. I have some advice, should you feel that way inclined. I can’t promise it will make your parting less painful, but these few tips may provide a mild distraction from such a mighty rite of passage.

1. Get a hobby so you don’t end up staying home baby talking the dog. I went for cold water swimming, yours could be less martyrish.

2. Stay connected to modern cultural life. You’ve lost your personal youth consultant, but you need to stay relevant so they don’t talk to you on Face Time in the same way you talk to your mum & dad.

3. Watch out for the change in sibling dynamic and the change of ‘who’s who” on the domestic front, personalities some times change, especially if No 2 becomes No1 or the lone child, be ready.

4. Start a ‘list of lovely things’ - big and small to look forward too. Keeps the mind happy.

5. Change the routines and the meals a little, at least at first. Then you don’t end up staring at spaghetti bolognese in a mournful, slightly grief filled way, because you always had it on a Sunday night. We had to stop the roasts for a bit as they were just too upsetting for me. So many memories.

6. Watch out for the belongings that hold your heart in their hand. It’s not pictures that set you off, it is memory filled things. My eldest didn’t take her 10th birthday teapot & cup set and every time I saw it in the cupboard I had a wobble. Maybe move these little love bombs so they don’t keep exploding when you’re trying to just get on with life.

7. Don’t read Pam Ayres poem A September Song unless you’re thinking “I got this, we’ll see each other all the time and I am not a drama queen” , if that is you then you should read it before D-Day because it’ll explain why no matter how much you think this totally predictable goodbye won’t affect you I’m here from the future to say it will. You’ll thank me after wards.

   

   She didn’t take her 10th birthday teapot so i had to hide it

I’ll post a more specific guide to D-Day for soon to be empty nesters soon and explain what we did before and after (and through the summer as this really is an odd summer, the one before departure) if that is helpful. Ask any questions in comments and let me know what your worries are and I may know experts who can help.

But just so you know Sunday nights are the most sorrowful, family life is of course ever changing but some moments are harder than others. And this is one of them.