Parent list No 3: Tips on argumentative teens
You're not alone and you're not 'doing it all wrong' ... it's ok to row with your teens
There was the time I flew into such a rage about my ‘ungrateful’ teens outside London Zoo Xmas lights that a laughing American tourist filmed us arguing.
Another year one of our furious older kids marched off into the crowds at Kew Garden lights after a minor screen time disagreement, followed another family round and refused to speak to us for two days. Another argument ensued in the car just before our annual festive family film outing: as a result No 2 teen refused to watch the film with us and sat in the cold car alone for three hours.
This year I almost pushed my 19 and 14 year old into the Xmas tree wrapping machine at the end of a fraught Saturday culminating in them repeatedly engaging the tree-selling staff in ‘six/seven’ jokes (if you need a 6ft tree this will happen to you too).
“Show more respect,” I hissed, “I make Christmas happen”. To which my son replied: “Mum you can’t be the Grinch and Santa at the same time.” However you play it the festive season can feel a bit more fraught than usual, the frizzle-frazzle is real as one mum said on the school WhatsApp this week.
I used to get down hearted about rows with teens, initially I took them personally, saw them as a sign of disrespect and felt I had failed as a mum, as if the argument was a reflection of my lack of parenting skills. But then I learnt, via experts in adolescent development, that arguments with teenagers are a good thing. A golden opportunity even to get closer to your would-be adult.
We know teens are undergoing seismic neurological and physiological change, (I explain this in detail in many of the pieces here) they are all over the place and need to test all these new feelings, thoughts and behaviours. They do this with the person they feel safest alongside, the person they love most and the person they are 100% sure won’t abandon them: YOU. (lucky you!).
So don’t despair, the rowing is a healthy development, it’s challenging obviously and often upsetting but it isn’t bad, or a sign you are doing anything damaging. As long as it doesn’t turn violent and isn’t relentless it is all part of the process.
I was listening to an emotionally intelligent dad this week explain what he did when his tween son threw a remote control at the back of his head after the dad had turned the telly off without warning his son and left the room. Dad was cross about excessive screen time and in a fury turned off the TV, his son launched the remote at him but this dad walked away and both continued their day. But at bed time when everyone had calmed down the dad apologised for turning the Tv off without warning, he said he wished he had explained why and he was sorry he had not respected his child enough to give him that explanation. You may feel throwing a remote crosses a boundary but I believe it doesn’t when you understand that a child or teen doesn’t have an adult brain, and isn’t always able to control their emotions in the way we do. They are learning to do this gradually. They cannot regulate thier feelings so swiftly as we do so we have to help them.
The son apologised for throwing the remote, promised he would never do it again and explained how awful he had felt about it all day. This interaction boosted their connection, it gave them both the chance to repair the relationship and in that repair they strengthened their bond. If the dad had reacted by yelling, or punishing this child then they would have had a much bigger break to repair later on. Validating your teens difficult feelings can be a very helpful way to get closer, or connect better. Arguing can be helpful in this way.
It costs £249k to raise a UK child to the age of 18 now and birth rates are spiralling. I wrote about why I think millennials refusing to have kids is a mistake for the iPaper read here … you may think you want to spend your cash on experiences when you are younger but that may change as you age. We’ll have spent £1 million on our four by 2029, not bad for Santa crossed with the Grinch!
PS My guidance above is not aimed at those parenting neurodiverse children with extra needs FYI. This newsletter won’t be helpful for you but do try Think Again for guidance
I've got to cross the goats answer because it made me laugh out loud for the first time today. Are goats more rewarding and a better investment? Probably. But I don't think you will ever love a goat as much as your own child. I wanted to experience parenthood, now I have. It has been totally wonderful and totally awful. Pretty much like all experiences worth having.
Yes, I saw your clarification and your link to an organisation that deals more with neurodivergent children which I think is super helpful. It is a difficult thing to manage because often a family will have one neurodivergent child while the other child needs to be parented differently which can make things complicated. I think your advice is very practical and sensible and a great help.