Why You Shouldn't Be Scared When Your Teen Is Mad At You
It feels awful when your kids are cross with you, especially when they tell you they hate you (it happens!) BUT their dislike of you is a sign of good parenting; here's how to handle it
When I first took my 14-year-old’s phone away at night she didn’t speak to me for months. It was awful. She refused to engage with me, it was all one word answers, walking out of the room when I came in and refusing affection. I was in maternal Siberia.
But I held firm, despite protestations that all the other teens were allowed phone access in the dark through the small hours. Other mums refused to support me too and I faced a barrage of ‘why’ from my daughter. Every conversation led to her asking me for the phone overnight. “Want a cup of tea?” I’d ask, and she’d reply “Why can’t I have my phone overnight”.
This happened almost 10 years ago when we were less digitally savvy, smartphones were new and the internet was less of a cess pool. Yet I knew from my work as a parenting journalist it was critical that her developing brain be shielded from being online over night. I had to accept her fury in the name of keeping her safe: but my God is was upsetting, I cried a lot and I nearly folded many times. My husband did fold: he secretly gave her our iPad for evenings, he couldn’t bear the pain of the consistent coldness and rejection, it scared him. Inevitably I found out and more rows ensued. He knows better now!
It was perhaps our toughest time as parents but I learnt back then, as I sense checked this with adolescent mental health experts, that it is OK for your teenager or young adult to be mad at you when you are trying to keep them safe by setting a firm boundary. It is normal. You just have to be able to cope with it. It is as they say a ‘you’ problem. Some times teens are also just inexplicably cross with you, and that’s a sign things are normal at home too. We’re not her to be liked.
It is our job as adults and parents to maintain firm, loving boundaries. Connections are strengthened during this period of rupture and repair. I certainly know now that while my daughter loathed me the time she recalls understanding why I was doing it and has thanked me from preventing her seeing the stuff some of her friends inevitably came across, she also got much better sleep.
If conflict with your teen or emerging adult scares you then you really need to work out how to deal with your fear because you are not, I repeat NOT, your teenager or young adults’ friend. That is unhealthy and should be avoided at all costs (there I have said it!). I have explained here many times before that so much great stuff happens in the repair after a rupture the pain really is worth it to strengthen your connection. read this
Since we went through that experience with No 1 I have parented three more teens and felt the fire of their moments of intense dislike too. It has taught me a lot about myself as a parent and person. I now know:
the parenting goal is not for your offspring to never be mad at you
teens feel safer and more connected when they can show you their fury (this shows them they are loved for all aspects of their developing personality)
tolerating their dislike proves you are not scared of negative emotions which relieves them of the pressure they some times feel to keep you happy.
It also role models the idea negative emotions are as valuable as positive ones which helps them handle things like anxiety and depression, they don’t fear it as they have seen you cope, welcome it even.
But how do you get to that place where you can handle their dislike, and sometimes hatred of you? How do you get over the fear of being disliked? Here’s what I learnt:
